Catrat
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Catrat" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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10:35 pm
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I want to fly into your sun
Need faith to make me numb
Live like a teenage christ
Im a saint, got a date with suicide
Oh Mary, Mary
To be this young is oh so scary
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
Spin my way out of hell, theres nothing left this soul to sell
Live fast and die fast too
How many times to do this for you?
How many times to do this for you?
Mary, Mary
To be this young im oh so scared
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
You never said forever, could ever hurt like this
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
Long hard road, out of hell
I wanna live, I wanna love
But its a long hard road, out of hell
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
Sell my soul for anything, anything but you
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05:15 pm
[Link] | I ate thus I feel like shit, I think maybe just maybe I have a problem.
In happier news , Na and I are in the same stats tutorial.
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12:44 am
[Link] | so much for sleeping i try and i try and i try and it's just the same fucking shit again and again i'm so sick of this
it's neverending and horrifying, i just want to sleep i just want it to leave ny head im so sick. i need help, someone i need help i can't save myslef anymore, i've been crying pretty much nonstop since i got back from ruapehu i just want to sleeep i need to eat so the world stops spinning,
help
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07:03 pm
[Link] | Weekend was great, sliding down the snow on plastic mats, brilliant and brilliantly fucking freezing.
My mind is fucked and I'm waiting for my mind to slow down with clonaz...
I just want to sleep.
I haven't eaten since friday afternoon...:(
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03:40 pm
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hmmmm
I need to go to Westpac but it's only open til 4:30 and there is no Karori branch so I have to go tomorrow which is really cutting things very fine but I'll get over it. I did my stats assignment it was easy, today we spent a whole lecture learning about histograms and bar graphs and na plaited my hair.
Isabel Donelan's mother is my lecturer it's weird but she is really good.
Psych lecturer is really good too she is from Canada, we learnt about brain cells and stuff, and the prop she used was her pack of cigarettes (not sure whether it beats Dave's rubber chicken or not). Anyway I'm going to Ruapehu tomorrow hopefully, hence the westpac thing but apparently we're not leaving until 2? And my only lecture is at 10 so it should be all right. Going to Craftwerk with Serra tonight as well, last time I saw her was this morning and I don't really remember much of it because after 3 clonaz didn't slow my mind down I took two more and I was so out of it that even walking was a task. I also wrote all over my arm in black pen last night because I'm crazy and I didn't have a book.
The Pink Floyd guy died, it's sad, he was cool.
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04:45 pm
[Link] | Today in Psychology
Dave: So I hope there are no depressed suicidal people in this room but see if I was going to kill myself *makes hand into a mock gun and sticks in mouth*, if i did it like this I wouldn't die you see I'd just knock the frontal lobe out so I'd have no personality-if you really wanted to succeed you'd have to do it like this *changes fingers to point downwards* to take out your lower brain then you'd die just in case you were wondering.
It made me laugh. He is very strange, I got my textbooks and my first assignment today. We learnt about stem and leaf graphs and dot plots in stats, reminds me of standard 3.
shit that guy who's body was found without hands and feet bound etc was from Karori...he lived on lancaster street! scary when it's so close. he was also a drug dealer.
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10:26 pm
[Link] | I'm really weird. I just spent about 3/4s of an hour on the phone to Alanna reading her out quizzes from my Mary-Kate and Ashley activity book (it comes with stickers) that Renee gave me in our tacky secret santa thing.
MaRy-KaTe AnD aShLeY r SoOoOoOoOoO kOoL
I am now wondering if Alanna will ever speak to me again.
*ponders*
I also told my mother what Freud would say...about something I don't remember Freud was fucked though.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am I everything you wanted?
I listen to Blindspott a lot I'm obsessed and compulsed...like an obsessive compulsive person
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04:50 pm
[Link] | I love Staind lots and lots.
In fact I think Staind and Tool (and APC) and Cold and Disturbed (again) and Seether should all come in play in like a special little place where only like 20 people can get it and it would be awesome...I like to dream.
The sun is setting and it looks very pretty, wish I had a camera but my dad's taken the digital to North America with him, I'm not quite sure why he's gone to North America, probably something to do with tsunami warning systems or volcanos or islands or earthquakes or something like that...he should take me on one of his trips.
Today uni started and it looks good, I surprised myself by making it to my 9am lecture and actually managing to get out of bed. I had 4 lectures today, so all my subjects. Emily and Kirsten are in my psychology one which looks okay, it's all the brain/cognitive aspect of it this trimester so I don't think it'll be quite as good. 2 hour labs weekly still. Then had Sosciology (sp?) which I am a loner in but eh well, it looks okay from the course outline, pretty much what I expected, lots about Marx and Weber and Durkheim...the dorks. Then I went to Ana's law lecture with her because I had 2 hours to burn...and the lecturer made lots of lame jokes and all the smartypants people answered all the dorky questions. Then hung round for an hour, then had anth which looks awesome and I have it with Ana and Tasj so yaaaay:D. Then straight after Stats, which I found Na for, woot, and we learnt about easy things like summation...I think I've missed maths. I also think that makes me insane. *Is insane*
I am probably going to get lots of tutorial/lab clashes because the options were really shitty for everything so that will be annoying. Also getting first assignment tomorrow and it's stats *squee* i like stats.
Somebody should shoot me in the head....liking maths is not cool...and i'm cool. So yeah.
Ana likes me anyway but that's because I bribed her friendship with coke, chocolate and cigarettes (turkish ones). But she also bought me an awesome purply coloured scarf from Auckland so we're equal.
Current Mood:  cheerful
Current Music: Change-Staind
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11:11 pm
[Link] | 
Here is a collage I made today, I don't think I've made a collage since I was like five so it's kinda bad but it was fun cutting things out of magazines and it is for Serra because she is the best and she doesn't realise it...(I'll give it to you when I next see you because the scanner quality is crrraaaappp)
Early start tomorrow. Erugh it will suck![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
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06:33 pm
[Link] | I only just realised that uni starts tomorrow. I totally thought it was next monday.
ouch 9am lecture.
last night was for the mostpart good, town just scares me and someone else who is possibly the only person who completely understands me and i wish i could make an off switch for the both of us.
mel got me turkish cigarettes and awesome bracelets.:D
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12:37 am
[Link] | I've realised what my problem is.
I'm terrified of my past.
I'm slightly more terrified by the future
And I'm not very good at living day to day.
Really puts me in a bit of a hopeless position.A bit of a dangerous position even.:(
I wish I could just be normal
The things people my age like scare me.
I'm no good at drinking, I'm no good at socialising.
sorry this is angsty
i just wish that for one day all this shit could leave my head, for one day that i could smile and mean it, for one day when i could go into town on a wednesday night without freaking out at some point or another.
Because right now everything is just paranoia, sleeping on the floor so i can be behind something which gives me bruises all up my ribs, reading whole books at a time and identifying with really fucked up music way more than i should.
i'm not going to new plymouth tomorrow anymore, but maybe on friday weather-dependant (the weather is so so shitty down here and there were slips all over the motorway)
funny- the only day/couple of days i remember as absolutely blissful werre the disturbed concert, and the next two days in mt maunganui.
and it's worth hanging around for these kinds of days
but they truly only come once in a blue moon which is a shame because they make everything better
i hope the drugs work soon...
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09:22 pm
[Link] | I'm going into town...which is funny because it's so so cold outside and our backyard is flooded and I hate town on wednesday nights but I am going because I love Elissa and Vita so there you go. I might slip in the streets and I'm not planning to spend long out.
I might be going to New Plymouth tomorrow but then again maybe not...
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12:10 am
[Link] | Happy Birthday Grace!
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08:21 pm
[Link] | So I got a B+ average in the internal part of Psychology...
overall I got C+
I just want to die right now, I wish I had failed then at least I'd get an aegrotat.
I must have failed the exam so badly. Someone please kill me now.
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12:59 pm
[Link] | Wednesday night was fun for the mostpart until I got totally freaked out and paranoid. All the 'cool' girls from school were there. I'm sorry but Candy or Annabel or whatever trying to talk to me etc is just ridiculous because they never ever talked to me at school, the only two of them I was actually happy to see were Susie and Ruby, the rest just fucked me off with their false friendliness. I really have a low opinion of people at the moment. Shooters is also the worst place to sober up in the world.
Last night went to Serra's house and watched Girl, Interrupted which is a wonderful movie that never ceases to amaze me...so yay. I woke up feeling like shit and burst into tears on the bus to Johnsonville which was a bit embarassing but I'm home now.
I have to go to a party tonight, at Johanna's house and I have to go cos I haven't seen her in over a year but I am so really not in the mood at all, especially considering people like Edward might be there and yeah.
I pretty much passed out on the train from Johnsonville to Wellington, one second it was in Boxhill, the next pulling into Wellington so I'm not sure whether I fell asleep or just lost my memory or not I truly think I am going insane and prozac has taken my appetite away even more.
*yawn*
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05:48 pm
[Link] | I really really want to dye all of my hair black.
How many of you will kill me and how many of you will stop speaking to me altogether?
I don't know where this sudden want came from except that I dyeed the front bits of my hair black last night for fun...and black is good I think.
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04:42 pm
[Link] | What the fuck?
The VUW website says I got A- overall in Pols which is like craziness, but also means I must have got lower than A- in the exam but is also impossible considering my state of mind on the day of the exam...so I'm just gonna say they got it wrong and be happy with that cos I'm getting aegrotats anyway I'm not meant to pass
I'm having a terrible terrible day and aI just want to go back to sleep.
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11:47 pm
[Link] | I have such great friends who try and understand me even though I'm crazy, and who play singstar with me and who understand when i go quiet, who write me poems and give me pretty photos to stick on my wall, who write me aegrotat referral forms and let me cry and cry and sit outside on a blanket shivering and smoking next to them.
I wouldn't have been able to get through this week without all of you.
I wouldn't have got through this week at all without Serra.
I love oyu all.
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03:45 pm
[Link] | I just got conqueored by a cat down the bottom of the karori steps. The cat who's name I found out was Lila by checking a nametag was sitting on the fencey bit down the bottom of the steps and I went to pat her and she jumped on my shoulder and began to walk around my neck to my other shoulder, and I managed to get her down and sat down to pet her on a wall and she walked all over my, kneading my coat and leaving fur all over my coat (damp fur because it was raining) and she did not want me to leave so my parents came to pick me up from there and the cat wasn't even scared of my dad and she was still walking all over me, and she did not want me to go, my mother said she was a burmese.
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11:16 pm
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<3 <3 <3
The night is only a sort of carbon paper,
Blueblack, with the much-poked periods of stars
Letting in the light, peephole after peephole ---
A bonewhite light, like death, behind all things.
Under the eyes of the stars and the moon's rictus
He suffers his desert pillow, sleeplessness
Stretching its fine, irritating sand in all directions.
Over and over the old, granular movie
Exposes embarrassments--the mizzling days
Of childhood and adolescence, sticky with dreams,
Parental faces on tall stalks, alternately stern and tearful,
A garden of buggy rose that made him cry.
His forehead is bumpy as a sack of rocks.
Memories jostle each other for face-room like obsolete film stars.
He is immune to pills: red, purple, blue ---
How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!
Those sugary planets whose influence won for him
A life baptized in no-life for a while,
And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.
Now the pills are worn-out and silly, like classical gods.
Their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good.
His head is a little interior of grey mirrors.
Each gesture flees immediately down an alley
Of diminishing perspectives, and its significance
Drains like water out the hole at the far end.
He lives without privacy in a lidless room,
The bald slots of his eyes stiffened wide-open
On the incessant heat-lightning flicker of situations.
Nightlong, in the granite yard, invisible cats
Have been howling like women, or damaged instruments.
Already he can feel daylight, his white disease,
Creeping up with her hatful of trivial repetitions.
The city is a map of cheerful twitters now,
And everywhere people, eyes mica-silver and blank,
Are riding to work in rows, as if recently brainwashed.
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